Computer Horoscope

Millions of people believe the positions of the stars and planets at the
moment of birth have a powerful influence on our lives.  But what about
us computer lovers?  I thought astrology might be able to play a part in
guiding our confusing high-tech lives.

Let your birthday star be your on-line HELP screen...

ARIES (March 21-April 19).

Don't read any electronic mail sent by a Capricorn.  Your life needs
updating, and so does you data base software.  The best way to set your
sights upward and keep your feet on the ground is to get one of those
ergonomic chairs.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20).

Never install a multifunction board on a Wednesday.  Beware! There is an
electrical power surge with your name on it.  Accept all offers that
come your way--any parallel port in a storm.  Your life is
incomplete--fill those empty expansion slots now.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21).

Do not hesitate.  Act with speed. With every passing day, your hardware
becomes more obsolete.  Today is the day to make a change in your life.
Start by switching to 3.5 inch floppies.  Disaster is imminent. Back up
your hard disk drive before it's too late.

CANCER (June 22-July 22).

If life seems to be passing you by, it may be time to spring for that
accelerator card with zero wait time. Beware of Virgos who own Amigas.
Looking at the world through rose-colored glasses may be dangerous,
especially if you don't have an anti-glare filter.

LEO (July 23-August 22).

You have difficulty making choices, especially when it comes to CGA, EGA
and VGA monitors.  Happiness comes to those with 100% IBM compatibility.
When you're down in the dumps and your world seems to be collapsing
around you, take solace in the fact that desktop publishing was invented
in our lifetime.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22).

Your burden is getting lighter.  So is your printer ribbon.  Don't
worry, be happy, buy printer fonts.  Never trust a Pisces who uses a
Hayes modem. The time is right for a major mail merge.  Don't settle for
your dot-matrix existence in this letter-quality world.

LIBRA (September 23-October 23).

Bad days ahead.  Air travel is out of the question, and even "Flight
Simulator" should be discouraged. This may be the time to get that
service contract.  Always keep in mind that artificial intelligence is
better than no intelligence at all.

SCORPIO (October 24-November 21).

A romance with that Pisces in your user group is a distinct possibility.
Suppress your urge to splurge on a surge suppressor.  Even though you
may be lost and wandering for many days and nights, be thankful that you
brought your laptop.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21).

With Scorpio rising, Microsoft Excel has its highest possibility of
crashing today.   Ask yourself--is your RAM memory half empty, or half
full? In either case, now is the time to change the toner in your laser
printer. You have a secret admirer.  Unfortunately, he works at a Radio
Shack store.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19).

Focus yourself, as multitasking is difficult and can cause cramps if you
do it in one position for too long. Build a better mouse and the world
will beat a path to your Bernoulli box.  Things aren't as bad as they
may seem--at least you didn't buy a PCjr.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18).

Beware!  A virus is being planted in your system by disgruntled
terrorist hackers.  You will achieve your goals only when you lose your
envy of power users.  Just your luck, getting laryngitis the same day
the new voice mail system was installed.

PISCES (February 19-March 20).

An old lover may be sending you a fax soon.  But who needs love, when
you've got connectivity?  In any case, masculinity is not measured by
how many megabytes you have in your hard disk, you silly boy.  It's
measured by how many pixels you have on your.